On the 27th of April I found out that I was pregnant. In a doctors office, with an, as my friend calls it: dildo-stick-with-a-camera-on-it up my vagina. The gyneacologist simply said: 'This looks like an early pregnancy'. Just like that, my life would never be the same. And all I could do was smile.
I had gone to the gyneacologist to check why I had been bleeding for weeks on end. If you've met me in-person or on zoom you may know that gyneacologist offices and hospitals aren't my favourite place-to-be and you may have heard me go off on a tangent about it. But everything has it's time and place, and this felt like one of those times where I had to put my resistance and fears aside, and get that check-up done so that from there I could throw all my witchy healing methods on it from an informed place. By the time I had the appointment the bleeding had stopped for about 2 weeks. The gyneacologist didn't give me an answer on why I had been bleeding (but my intuition tells me it was a final clearing of my womb to prepare the space for prenancy), but the news that was shared instead, was way more exciting.
As you get from the story, it wasn't a planned pregnancy. At least... not for now. My partner and I had been talking about having children from basically the moment we met, but we always said: 'In 2 years or so'. Well, you can't just keep saying 'In two years' without time actually passing by (we're 4 years later). This baby was done waiting and took the opportunity to come through while we weren't as careful as usual around ovulation. You see, this month I had no clue about my ovulation due to my strange cycle.
Although mentally I didn't fully feel ready to start "trying", I have been preparing for pregnancy for years now through womb healing and educating myself on all things pregnancy, birth and child rearing. And so joy was the overwhelming emotion when also a pregnancy test came out positive. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I felt like this baby was going to stay. It was safe in my belly and I was going to do everything I could to nurture this seedling. People are usually careful with telling others in the first weeks, but it felt right to me to tell at least some people that were close to me straight away. Talking about people close to me, of course I told my partner who picked me up from the appointment, immediately. His response was a hard laugh/cry in disbelieve and pure joy.
What is this concept of not telling before 12 weeks anyways? So if you get a miscarriage you are just supposed to suffer on your own without anyone ever knowing you were pregnant? I figured that even if that were to happen to me, I would rather have my close ones there to support me through all the emotions, that could feel the joy from pregnancy, and therefore also the loss on a deeper level. Anyways, I am side-tracking a little here, but looking back, I guess this was the first sign of me wanting to do things differently than the average pregnant person (more on this in the second trimester update).
Throughout the first trimester I also felt relief and pondered on the perfection of how this all happened. I had worried for years about my abilities to conceive due to my irregular cycle. Although my cycle drastically improved over the years as I patiently tended to my womb, I still wasn't ovulating every month and so chances of prenancy would therefore be lower. At least, this is what my rational brain was telling me. Right before I conceived I had a breakdown of painful feelings around my irregular menstrual cycle and my bleeding-for-weeks-on-end situation. My dear girlfriends witnessed me with love and helped me to release and let go. To trust my body and to trust that I would be able to conceive when the time came. That babies can come through in the strangest ways, often when least expected, in divine timing. If only I knew that this divine time came rather sooner than later. The universe showing once again how fast manifestation happens when we let go... And I am so grateful for how this baby was conceived without us ever having to go through the whole process of actively "trying" and wait in anxiety every month (or in my case, every other month) to see if my bleed would come or not. I had whole nightmare scenarios about what would happen if pregancy tests would come back negative again and again (all my compassion for those of you who have been through this or are going through this, that must be incredibly hard).
This unexpected pregnancy (on a rational level that is, as I had been prepping for this on an emotional, physical and spiritual level for a long time), came with some overwhelm over the things that needed to be decided and arranged. Hospital or home birth? Staying in our forest cabin or moving? Buying or renting? How about finances? All of a sudden it felt like we could no longer "mess around", as doing so would not just influence us (we're used to some last-minute challenges, changes and instability), but also this little innocent creature growing in my belly.
However, the magic of this growth in my womb, this experience that I had been looking forward to since I was a teenager, was the biggest invitation and reminder to stay present. To not let stress take over. As this would be worse for the baby than anything else. And this is exactly what the pregnancy hormones helped me do. While sometimes of course worry came up, the majority of the time I felt a deep safety in my body, as if nothing could harm me or this baby. Nothing else really mattered.
I realise only now that I haven't written about any first trimester physical symptoms yet. That is because there simply weren't many! Yes, I feel extremely blessed. It's not for no reason that the doctor was the one finding out my pregnancy first, not me. Besides some slight nauseau every now and again and the fact that tomatoes, saurkraut and olives needed to be kept the f* away from me, I felt good. In wonderment over my breasts and nipples growing. And in pleasure over my highly increased libido and vaginal discharge!
Oh, speaking of sex, you are probably curious if it's a little dude or chica! The short answer is: we don't know as we decided not to find out the sex before birth to keep some of the mystery of it all. 'What a brave decision!' some people told me in response to this. 'Brave?' I thought, how so when only in the last few decades ultrasounds have been available? Before that women have been enjoying the mystery of pregnancy since the beginning of humanity. It's only natural to me not to know until birth.
Long story long: from the moment we found out, my partner had a strong inuitive feeling it was a boy. He is never to trust himself again if this baby turns out a girl. Also, my (slightly psychic) friend had a vision about me having a little boy, even before I toId her I was pregnant. I also cannot help but imagine a boy, even though my wishes and visions had always been to have a girl first. I would be very surprised if there won't be anything dangling after birth, as we may have also seen a little somthing on the ultrasound, but I am open to be surprised!
All that matters is that this baby comes out healthy and happy.