Yes, I've said it: covid has officially entered my space. And oh, how it hit me! Wasn't I a lil cocky, thinking my herbs and meditations would prevent me from getting really sick... Don't we all love an ego death every once in a while? I was forced to lay flat on the couch for 3 days, relentlessly turning to the black, squared thing in front of it for entertainment. All the yoga and all the meditation in the world didn’t help me feel more chill about this.
Why was it so hard for me to let go?
To simply watch tv and relax?
Even when the few metres from the couch to the bathroom felt like a full-on mission?
It’s because I have attached so much of my self-worth to my DOING. To my work, to my accomplishments, to my productivity. To my goals, to my growth, even to my healing. Oh my, how my ego liked to think that was not the case for me anymore. That I had overcome this toxic productivity, internalised hustle culture part. And oh, how my little (or big?) ego was wrong.
Because doing absolutely nothing “productive”, not only felt incredible boring. It also made me feel worthless. And made me question my every move. By day 3, some familiar old whiny voices came up:
‘You should just move back to the Netherlands and get a grown-up job.’
‘You should be doing more, or you’ll end up as a complete failure’
Are just a few of the stories this same ego told me as I laid in yet another uncomfortable position (can’t I just friggin’ for once find a position that doesn’t hurt my neck, hip or back? Great, this must mean that on top of this all I am also getting old).
I wish this is the part where I could tell you all the self-compassionate interventions I did that helped me get out of this pity-party, but unfortunately it was less fabulous. I’m afraid I just slept it off.
The morning after however, I spoke about the shadows that came up with some dear friends and realised that this was another not-so-fun invitation for introspection.
Another invitation for deeper surrender. To ask myself where I am still resisting instead of letting go. Not to give myself another reason for self-judgement, but to bring loving awareness and compassion to these parts, rather than distracting myself from them by being “productive".
This was all just an invitation for me to return to my own teachings.
And this is my invitation to you to return to your body’s wisdom.
And to allow your body to guide you back to your deepest worth, that is not dependant on what you do, but that just IS.